How Not To Be an A**hole
(and create a world worth fighting for)
There are many assholes, and these assholes have many opinions. If you let your life be dictated by these assholes, you will either become an asshole or find yourself surrounded by them.
I have spent my life worrying about what is right and what is wrong. How other people see me. If what I say will come across as smart or offensive, and if what I do will be seen as humble or privileged. At its worst, I censor myself in fear that someone will find me to be a sexist, racist, anti-cop, Hitler following, science-denying, fragile, mansplaining snowflake of a human being. It’s exhausting, and I nearly gave up on fighting for a better world, until I realized, the only thing I really needed to worry about was whether or not I was being an asshole.
Our world has become a convoluted, cacophony of social rituals — I don’t even know if that sentence made sense, but it makes as much sense as all this nonsense so I am going to go with it. A society where a he might be a she, and that she might be married to another she who identifies as a he. Where an LSD trip is a therapy session, and your airplane seat can be taken up by some he/she/them’s miniature pony because it is in fact an emotional support animal.
You must understand, I consider most of this progress. But instead of creating an open-minded hippie utopia, we’ve brought on the second incarnation of the puritan revival. Is it any wonder that kids and teenagers are experiencing anxiety and depression at record levels as they traverse these minefields of shame? Knowing any false move might ostracize and cancel them from their community? Where what we used to call ‘growing up’ is now it’s a stain on their permanent internet record.
Instead, how bout we just try not being assholes to each other. Let’s replace “that’s racist/sexist/bigoted/privileged/offensive/disrespectful” with “don’t be an asshole.”
If you can learn how not to be an asshole, none of the other shit matters. There will be no need to worry about what you say or type, and how your beliefs will be perceived. You will glide through life being the type of person other people want to be, and your true inner self will shine above the bullshit.
So, what does it mean not to be an asshole? Let’s start with an example.
How not to be an asshole example 1:
I walked into my local nursery the other day and started chatting it up with the owner. He then introduced his partner, and I didn’t know if he meant business partner or lover. I could care less which one it was, but the not understanding led to a fumbling conversation where I didn’t know if I should ask about their relationship or the supply chain of potted plants in the urban centers of America.
My anxiety was caused by how I feared I would be perceived. Not by what I did or believed. But by my perception of their perception of me. Pretty ridiculous, and unfair to all parties involved.
This could have all been avoided had I just asked myself ‘am I being an asshole .’ You see, a non-asshole doesn’t worry about vernacular as long as they are not being an asshole. Had I asked the owner, “I’m sorry, do you mean business partner or boyfriend?” and he replied, “Do I look gay! Fuck you for questioning my masculinity,” then he is the one being the asshole. So fuck him. You don’t have to worry about what assholes think of you.
Had he stated, “Ha funny, the world sure is a lot more complex nowadays! My business partner of course!” And I loudly replied to signal my progressive beliefs, “I’m sorry sir, but why didn’t you choose someone from an underrepresented group to be your business partner?!” Then I would be the asshole. So fuck me.
It’s an easy game to play, with few rules and only one outcome. You either are or are not an asshole. Whether it be confusing a business partner for a lover, having meat only options at your dinner party when a guest is a vegetarian, or cheering for the wrong team at a sports bar; not being an asshole can usually be achieved with a simple understanding, small apology and often a little change in action.
Easy, right? Not really. I purposely chose an uncomplicated first example just so you would get on my side. So here’s a more complex one. It’s gonna piss you off and force me to disable the comment section.
Example Two
Let’s say you accidentally walk into the ‘I Hate Every Race But My Own’ convention just as the keynote speaker begins talking about the inferiority of every race but their own. Do you:
A. Pull out your boombox to drown out the speakers’ hate-filled speech with the music of Public Enemy, causing the room to erupt into a massive, confused brawl all to the soundtrack of Chuck D’s voice?
Or
B. Ask to have a chat over coffee with some of the members?
Sorry, but if you don’t want to be an asshole, the answer is B. I know, it’s crazy, trust me, I want to kick my own ass for saying this. Not being an asshole means being intolerant of intolerant actions, but respectful of intolerant beliefs. Not only is it more civil, but it is also more effective.
We do not know how these people became who they are. Their beliefs very likely made logical sense in the world they grew up in. Not any different from the abused rescue animal who flinches at every sharp move. That learned anxiety once protected that puppy from harm, now it is a hindrance.
The same goes for intolerance. A child might learn their racism from a parent they were trying to bond with, or a friend group they wanted to be accepted by. Notice how many hate groups are filled with people who are a little off? That’s because the awkward teenager doesn’t have many friends, and acceptance often only comes from other weirdos. Groups like neo-nazis or the glee-club. One turns them into a bigot, the other makes them sing fabulously. Both give the teenager a tribe they can call their own.
This does not mean you should accept or placate their hate. You should never back down from your core values in order to seem respectful. Not being an asshole does not mean being a pushover. In fact, pushovers are often the biggest assholes of all. But remember, argument and critique are easy. Being genuinely curious about someone you disagree with is hard, and the hard things in life are usually the right things.
Not being an asshole takes years to master, but always starts with three basic questions.
Who’s the asshole here?
Is my assholery justified?
And most importantly, am I being the asshole?
Am I being the asshole?
On the fourth Thursday of every November, Americans get together to celebrate the relative 50-year peace between the Wampanoag Tribe and Pilgrims by showing the world they can’t get along with their families for a two-hour dinner.
At its very most basic subatomic level, not being an asshole means being the type of person other people want to be around. This is vastly more important than calling your father a sexist for not supporting state proposition 3275. So next time you find yourself mocking a family member, first ask yourself, “Am I being an asshole?” The answer is probably yes.
Arguing politics is fine, but if doing so destroys the world/neighborhood/home you live in, then maybe try putting it off until another day. Not being an asshole is understanding that most disagreements have nothing to do with morals. It is not un-American to believe in gun control. It is not racist to be against school vouchers. Supporters of both privatized and national healthcare really do believe their systems help more people.
This is a strangely hard concept for us to accept. We build our identities around our beliefs, and breaking these beliefs means questioning our own identities. Assholes fight this by making everything about right and wrong, moral and immoral.
We either become what we surround ourselves with, or surround ourselves with what we’ve become. So look around, because if you find yourself surrounded by assholes, odds are you should ask the next question.
Who’s the asshole here? (Are they the asshole?)
A child molester reels in their victim by explaining “I’ll tell your mommy that you took candy from a stranger,” or saying “Your parents won’t let us hang out if you tell on me.” Using the child’s innate goodness to manipulate them with emotional blackmail. It works on the kid. It also works on adults.
We let people abuse us for our past transgressions. We hold on to relationships because we don’t want to be the bad person. We even hang around friends with the same vices, so we never have to face our inner demons
Whether it be your partner scolding you for taking too long to reply to a text, or the friend who returns your car covered in filth, then yells at you for pointing it out; it’s hard to know if you are overreacting or just setting healthy boundaries. We tense up, and become that kid again. Letting our old wounds dictate our fate, instead of learning from their scars.
The child has an excuse, you’re too old for that shit. It’s cheap and keeps you in a state of victimhood. So instead, just ask yourself “Who’s the asshole here?
Telling someone you will not return a text while at work, is not an asshole move. Pointing out that a loaned item was returned in worse shape, is sensible and fair. Who’s the asshole? They are. However, if you’re still bringing it up six months later. Then who’s the asshole? You are.
Sometimes being an asshole is as simple as timing. A hard truth can be noble and life-changing. But if you decide to point out someone’s alcoholism while they are in the middle of a shame spiral from the night before; who’s the asshole? You are. Friends need to be ready to hear about their fuckups. If you are not sure, just ask. ‘Do you just want me to listen, or would you like some advice?’ Communication is almost never an asshole move, and if they yell at you for trying to understand. Who is the asshole? They are. When setting boundaries, always remember, it is disrespectful to the people who treat you right, to focus on the ones who treat you poorly.
The easily offended is a ‘special kind of annoying asshole’ -one of the many subtypes of assholes. They are always trying to pull you into their world. Looking for dog whistles in your speech and hidden agendas in your text. If you do not join their outrage, you are the enemy. Silence is violence! It is self-centered. It’s toxic. It’s a trap. Do not engage. The only way to end it is ignore it. Otherwise, you will be pulled into that fake world they created, only to create a fake world of your own.
Because the only thing more annoying than the ‘always offended’ is the person who is ‘always offended by the offended.’ Who’s the asshole? You are. It’s a free country. They have every right to be offended, and you have every right to not care.
Being an asshole is cowardly, not being an asshole is brave. It means discovering what your core principles are, then wearing those principles like a shiny set of armor that cannot be ignored.
Is my Assholery justified?
Who doesn’t like a good racist joke? Seriously? I’m not saying you should open up with one on a first date. But among good friends? I personally don’t trust people who don’t laugh at inappropriate jokes. Are you judging me? Good. It’s a free country, judge me all you like. I don’t really care. I’ll even tell you my favorite racist joke.
Q: What’s the scariest thing about a white person in jail?
A: You know they did it.
I’m sorry but that joke is hysterical, and if you didn’t laugh at it then you’re probably too uptight to be in my inner circle. That’s okay, there are 7 billion other people out there.
Assholery among friends is not only important but vital in curating a safe group. Whether it’s making fun of someone’s love of In-Sync, or referring to them as fuckity-mc-fuck-face. True friendship must be unconditional until it isn’t. We test these boundaries with bad jokes and little jabs. Because that same friend you can tell an inappropriate joke to is the friend who will not judge you when you tell them that your last words to your mom before she died in that car accident was that you hated her.
It’s also the friend who can call you out when you do or say something that crosses a line.
Honing your non-asshole assholery actions is one of the hardest parts of not being an asshole. Outside of these fun and games, It usually comes when defending the (over) application of force onto an undeserving party. Like if those “I hate every race but my own” convention-goers actually acted on their beliefs. Sometimes a quick “fuck off dipshit,” is necessary, other times a punch in the face is completely appropriate. But tread lightly. Martin Luther King responded to assholes with non-violence. General Sherman responded by burning down Atlanta. Both responses were effective. Both responses also had dire consequences.
Through practice, your core values will shine so brightly that most assholes will begin to avoid you like the school bully avoids the star linebacker. However, there is one dangerous exception that you can not avoid. Some friends and family members are so toxic that they can eat through your armor like it was made of wet paper. They manipulate you through your emotional connection. Holding the words ‘family’ and ‘love’ against you. We stay in these relationships because we care. We don’t want to be the bad husband or wife. We worry about what our friends will think, and what the person will say when we are gone.
You can not win this fight. Sometimes the only defense against a toxic person is to be an asshole. This might be through banishment and ghosting. It may be through becoming less available, or not inviting them out. You have to forcefully and unapologetically stop caring. You cannot win a direct fight against an abuser. You’ll feel like an asshole. That’s because you are not.
How ‘bout we just stop being assholes to each other.
To the hammer, everything looks like a nail. We’ve created a world of nails where everything looks like a hammer. Any feeling of discomfort or disagreement is taken as an attack on humanity itself.
Not being an asshole gives you no special privilege. It doesn’t matter what race, class, or religion you come from. You can’t shut down an argument with a quick “check your privilege dude,” or calling someone an ‘anti-American snowflake.’
These replies create natural in-groups and out-groups. They force ‘us versus them’ tribalism onto every interaction no matter how small or insignificant it is. It is not a fun place to live in. It’s not a world worth fighting for. It’s a world full of assholes. Don’t be one.
